Thursday, September 13, 2007

Time To Stop Pretending

Six months ago to the day, my right foot started to hurt.

It’s hurt every day since then.

I went in the hospital, I discovered that I’m diabetic, I had my big toe amputated. I was flat on my back for the better part of three months. I went back to work…part-time at first, then fulltime.

For six months, I’ve been publicly optimistic. “They’ve identified the infection, and they’re fighting it,” I said. “I’m on IV antibiotics, and the infection is on the run.” “Surgery is the light at the end of the tunnel.” “Every day is better than the one before.” “Each week, a little better.”

It’s time to tell the truth. Time to stop pretending. It’s not getting better. For the last month or so, nothing has changed. And I have to face the fact that it may never get any better.

It’s not just the pain (although the pain is no fun). It’s that I don’t have the strength I used to.

I go to work. I come home and lay on the couch watching TV. I read a little. And that’s it. That’s all I can do.

The rest time between work shifts is never long enough…so when I come to my day off, I spend it on the couch, sleeping or watching TV or reading a little. Lately, even one day off isn’t long enough to fully recover. Every two weeks, I get two days off in a row. That’s almost long enough.

Work. And rest on the couch. That’s my life.

I once had a full life. I did things that didn’t involve the couch. I wrote books. I went to the movies. I visited friends, went to fun events. I spent time quality time with Thomas, doing lots of stuff besides resting on the couch watching TV.

I once had plans. Books I wanted to write, a body of work to promote. Projects to accomplish, like digitizing our photographs and ripping music tapes and old vinyl LPs to MP3. Putting together a writers’ consortium for promotion & marketing our queer speculative fiction. Modifications & updates to websites.

I told myself that everything was on hold. But now, after all this time, after progress has ceased, I fear that I may have to give up all these plans…at least for the foreseeable future.

In another ten or twelve years, when the mortgage is paid off, maybe I can retire from the Library, or at least cut down my hours. Maybe then I will be able to pursue some of this stuff. Maybe then I can have a life.


Work. And rest on the couch.


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Betts4 said...

Sending big mental hugs! {{{{DON}}}}

I hope in maybe another six months you can rewrite this blog and things will have changed. I wish that we could get together and have some lunch or dinner (pizza and a movie at your house). Life kinda sucks sometimes. Especially this week. You always have such good strong positive things to post on my blog, but I can't think of anything now except to let you know I am thinking of you.

Betts4 said...

Still thinking.....

and sending some hugs your way...